Hope

Just thought I would give an update since my last blog: I did apply for three different positions at the competitor institution I mentioned earlier. I received an email about one of them saying that they hired someone else for that position. I have not been contacted for an interview for any of them yet, so I'm pretty sure they hired internally for that particular position. I'm not really worried though; I am more than qualified for the positions I applied for, in fact, I would be taking a step back in my career if I accepted any of these positions. Chris and I agreed that it was time for me to work only part time because we are wanting to spend more time together, simplify our schedules, and even wanting to start a family sometime this year. I am super pumped about all of this.

One thing I have failed to blog about lately is my baby fever. I have been ready to have kids for the past year or so. Its been an interesting ride. My emotions are all over the place. Sometimes my desire for a baby is soooo strong that it physically hurts...and then other times I am content with waiting. Chris and I agreed before we got married that we (I) would pay off my student loans before we had kids so that I would be able to stay home (or just work part time) when the little one arrives. Well, we are (I am) getting closer and closer to paying my loans off--in fact--I will pay them off in December of this year and my body is FULLY aware that baby-making time is drawing near. Chris and I have decided to start trying some time this summer and its all kinds of exciting, scary, and nerve-racking all at once. Its been difficult lately because I have several friends and even some family members who are pregnant or have recently had babies, and I am just soooo ready to be a mommy. I am very happy for the new additions in their lives but find it hard not to think selfishly about what I don't have. I am being real here, so please don't think badly of me. Chris and I have been talking through all of this, but sometimes I feel guilty for always bringing it up.  Its hard, ya know? All I can do is stay focused on the aspects of my life that I can control, and find joy and strength in the little things along the way.

One last thing, today is my former best friend's birthday. I didn't call her because I don't think I would know what to say to her if she answered, nor do I have the guts to call her. Her sweet son's birthday is in a couple days also, and I don't think I will be able to call him either. I did send each of them a birthday card a few days ago. I hope they receive them and I hope that it brings some joy into their lives.

J-O-B

Today was a day I had been dreading for the last couple weeks. I recently applied for a job at a competitor institution as a result of tough day at work. I mentioned in an earlier blog that I was(am) unhappy with some things at my current job. It seems that its easier for me to get frustrated lately because of those things. When this happens--in my head--I refer to myself as Negative Nancy. I know that I have it pretty good: I make good money, I have a decent schedule, I have benefits and so on. But I get so frustrated with the changes in policies, the constant increase in fees for my customers, and just plain greediness of this already-so-successful company. Annnnyway, today I spoke with my manager(who is awesome, by the way) about my plan. I told her about the application I submitted to the competitor institution, and it was no big deal. I had dreaded telling her, I had worried sooooo much about what the outcome would be, and she was totally cool about it. It gave me some peace knowing that she was even a little bit happy for me. I haven't heard from the competitor about my application yet, but I am not really worried about it. I feel like I did my part, now I am just waiting on God or fate or whatever you wanna call it, to take me to the next step.

Reflection

Life is so different now than it was a few years ago. In fact, life is so different now than it was one year ago. In December 2011, I got a new job and was excited about all my new responsibilities and the newness of my position. I was "bright-eyed and bushy-tailed" and ready for the challenges my new job had to offer me. Last year at this time, I didn't seem to be as busy as I am now. Chris didn't seem to be so busy either. I recall spending lots of time with him in the evenings after we both got off of work. Last year at this time, I also had a few close friends that I confided in and saw pretty often. Last year at this time, I had a best friend. I've had a lot to think about over the last several months. I enjoy the satisfaction I get from working hard and doing it better and more thoroughly than some other people that I know. I enjoy servicing my customers and truly trying to teach them and guide them in their financial lives. I enjoy when I receive a sweet little note from a customer that I helped who speaks very little English and the note simply says, "Thanks for help. Very grateful, Ralph". I enjoy and try to relish in these things amidst the greed and quotas and pressure of exceeding expectations the "higher ups" set for me.

Chris is juggling four jobs right now....not because we need to make ends meet, but because he--more than anyone I know--has a servant's heart. His love language is Acts of Service, and he shows his love in everything he does. He teaches Algebra and Geometry twice a week, he tutors in the afternoons, he owns a tee shirt business, and he is flipping a house to sell. I truly thank God for a hard working man, but sometimes I just want to spend time with my husband. I come home after a very long day of work, and Chris comes home after sometimes working three different jobs in a day, and all of our energy is spent. Then, on the weekends, we try to catch up on spending time with each other, trying to spend time with family, and seeing a couple friends when our schedules will allow...but this is ONLY if I don't work on Saturdays and he isn't working on his house, or tutoring. 

Lastly, I experienced a very hurtful end to a friendship last year in May that unfortunately has remained unresolved. My best friend of several years said some very mean things to me and really cut me to my core after months of giving me the silent treatment. I thank the Lord that he gave me so much peace in that situation and strength to stand my ground. He also taught me so much in the process that I blinded myself to and wasn't able to see until I took a step back(more like He shoved me back). I still have a lot of love for this person, but came to the conclusion that the best thing for me was to keep myself out of this friendship. 

So where does this leave me? 

Well, I feel like I am always working, but I try to focus on the good things that I do/can do for my customers to really benefit them. I am missing my hubby more than I'd like, but I really relish in the moments that I do get to spend with him. And lastly, I am earnestly praying that the Lord brings me a few really close (local) Christian women to be friends with. I'm longing for friendship that is uplifting, encouraging, and that will keep me accountable to my beliefs. Chris and I are not members of a specific church and I think this is why it is a little more challenging for me to connect to other Christian women. I want some females I can confide in, give and receive advice to/from, and just some gals to go to dinner with, have coffee with. 

These are just things in my life that I may not be 100% satisfied with, but I'm gonna work with what I've got and try to remain joyful in the midst of it.

Personal Therapy

I'm struggling with something right now. I do not want to go into detail because I just don't feel like this is something I need to share. I just need to really seek God in this situation. Who knows, it might just be a random thought that is having a hard time leaving my brain, but I know this is probably a weakness that Satan is taking advantage of. No worries, everyone, it is nothing to be too concerned with, but I just feel like I don't have anyone I can REALLY talk to about this particular situation at this point. I have been deep in thought lately and trying to pray about it, but I feel a little disconnected from God lately....well, to be honest, a lot disconnected from God. I know the saying "Draw close to Him and He'll draw close to you", but it doesn't seem to be "working". I think this is probably more connected to the struggle I mentioned earlier than I'd like to admit. I have already evaluated the aspects of my life involved and I know what the "right" thing to do is, but I guess I am a little shocked at my feelings in this situation. Again, I want to stress that I have not made any regretful decisions nor am I planning on making any in the future--I am just weighing my options. It is therapeutic for me to write--well, blog--about it. Thanks for listening.

Quite a Summer!

This has been quite an eventful summer! Our niece Katie came allll the way from California to stay with me and Chris for seven weeks! I don't think I was really prepared for what the experience held! We had a blast with Katie, but man, being a "parent" is a lot of work!! lol Katie is an angel (with a little bit of sass--what little girl isn't), so I can't imagine what it would have been like if she wasn't such a good obey-er! I found that I had about 30 minutes of me time in the evening before I passed out on the couch almost every night! ha ha ha. We took Katie to Sea World, to the Children's Museum, to Lake LBJ and much much more. It was sad to see her go a few weeks ago, but it was a little relieving knowing that my house and my husband and my little (selfish) world would be back to normal.

This summer, I also vowed to read more. I bought two books in June and have since read only one, but also acquired "Crazy Love" from a dear friend. I am very excited to start reading it. In November, I bought the book "The Shack" because I was intrigued by the reviews I read, but have since misplaced it. I'm sure it will turn up somewhere.
I also "vowed" to REALLY get back into shape! lol I have been working out at least three to four times a week; although, I think I will be doing more here pretty soon, and have been a little more conscious of my eating habits...this is a blah, blah, blah topic that I'm sure no one really wants to hear about.

It has also been time of reflection for a lot of relationships in my life. I have been able to spend some really valuable time with people in my life that I am so thankful for. Its so refreshing to me how God brings people into your life right at the moment you need them or when they need you. I have also had some time to talk with my brother. I love that guy so much and just wish he would really really cling to the people that really love him--God included. He is making some progress, but I know firsthand that this is an individual process and only he can decide when he is truly ready to make changes in his life. Its just so hard to sit back and be patient. Lastly, Chris and I are doing well. :) I knew I loved him when we were first dating, and then when we got married, but man, that seems sooooooo small compared to the love I have for him four years later. I guess that's a good sign that we are moving in the right direction. Don't get me wrong, we do get on each other's nerves from time to time. In fact, something that we have been working through is our finances. We aren't hurting financially in any way; its more that we have different views on what money should be spent on. For instance, Chris and a friend recently bought a house to rehab as a project and investment. The amount he paid for the house to begin with, and the amount he is investing to rehab the house would pay off the rest of my student loans almost three times!!!! I COMPLETELY understand the potential this house has to make Chris a lot of money, but I guess I get a little frustrated sometimes because I want to hurry up and pay these darn things off! ha ha ha. Its not even about having kids anymore--in fact, after the busy summer we had with Katie, I don't think we want kids for a little while. I just want to accomplish paying off these loans to cross one more thing off my list--and to free up $700 a month! ;)

Detox

I am really stressed right now. Things in my life and my little home are going very well, but I really let other people's circumstances stress me out. I don't have a filter for my heart which really affects me negatively. Chris is so good about listening to a problem or an issue, praying about it or giving advice and then moving on; I am not like that in the least. I let everything affect me. I guess that is why he was called to be a counselor and I am not. lol. I have a big heart for others and want to help, but then feel rude or incompassionate when I have to distance myself from them to detox from the stress that I carry. This probably makes me sound like an awful person, but oh well.

Violet, your turning violet, Violet....

I love summer because of what it does to the produce section at HEB. It doubles in size with all of my favorite fruits! Chris and I went to the grocery store a few days ago and I mentioned to him that I wanted to buy some blueberries. Chris doesn't really care for blueberries so I knew I would have to eat all of them(no big deal for me--I love all fruit). So since then, I have put blueberries in smoothies, salads, and pancakes, but still had some blueberries left, but no more recipes to use them in. I was at my mom's house on Saturday and was flipping through a magazine on her coffee table about fitness and healthy living, and came across a really interesting recipe that I would like to share. I tried it out this morning for breakfast and loved it!

Blueberry Slushy
3 green tea bags
1 cup blueberries
3 cups water
2 tbsp agave nectar (I used honey as a substitute)

Boil 2 cups water and then add tea bags to boiling water.
Let steep for 5 minutes.
Divide one cup of blueberries between compartments of an ice cube tray.
Cover with tea and freeze.
Puree in a blender with remaining tea(1 1/2 cup), half cup of water, and 2 tbsp agave nectar(or honey).
Serve garnished with berries.

This was a simple and healthy breakfast slushy with natural energy qualities.



Enjoy.

Happy Fourth!

Today is July fourth and I am 'patiently' waiting to get this show on the road. My favorite uncle lives in Boerne, TX and is having a bbq today that started a couple hours ago and Chris is just dragging his feet. Its not that he doesn't want to go--he has mentioned his interest in going a few times--he just keeps finding things to do around the house... ie: mafia wars(nerd), fixing the toilets in the house, laundry, snack breaks, etc... I am just ready to get out to Boerne and have some fantastic bbq and watermelon! ha ha ha. In other news, Nikki and I recently took a little road trip to Dallas to visit a friend of mine who is VERY pregnant and was having a baby shower. We had a really good time, and to my surprise Nikki and I even got closer on this trip. I didn't think that was possible considering how close we are already, but we still learn new things about each other. I imagine that is a good thing! lol The drives up there and back were so pleasant and really fun! The stay in the hotel was even better. We went out our last night in town and just made that trip soooo fun! I am so thankful to have an amazing friend. Oooookay, that's enough mush for now! lol I am gonna see if I can entice this silly hubby of mine to get a move on! Hope everyone has a great 4th!

On a positive note...

I really need to blog more often. It is so therapeutic. Writing is my passion and I've just let it get lost in all the life that's been going on. Today was a better day than yesterday. I confronted one of the things that has been bothering me---but instead of jumping into it and turning into a crazy diva about it (like I would normally do), I approached it gently and with lots of prayer under my belt. God is so good. He really is my Abba. As soon as I addressed it, He responded back with MORE gentleness than I could ever imagine. I am still not ready to share this because of the sensitivity that I feel when I talk about it, but God knows my heart and blessed me with a very understanding and loving husband who sometimes treats me better than I think I deserve. I guess just taking life day by day is really the best way to do things.

....

I have been a little distraught lately. I think sometimes I let my thoughts get the best of me. I am not ready to talk about this yet, but would appreciate prayers. Its probably just me over-analyzing things, but none-the-less it is affecting me. I guess I just need reassurance from God and Chris, but until I find that, I will be continue praying.